29 Jan Navigating Grief Through Continuing Bonds

Grief is a deeply personal journey, shaped by the unique bond we shared with the person we lost. For SUDC families, the sudden and often unexplained nature of loss adds layers of complexity to the grieving process. A growing body of research suggests that rather than detaching from our loved ones, maintaining a relationship with them in a different form—what is known as a “continuing bond”—can play a crucial role in how we navigate loss and find meaning in our grief. 

What Are Continuing Bonds? 

The continuing bonds model of grief challenges the outdated notion that healing requires “moving on” or achieving “closure.” Instead, this perspective acknowledges that love and connection do not end with death; rather, they transform. Many bereaved individuals find comfort in keeping their child’s memory alive, whether through storytelling, rituals, or internalized conversations. Studies suggest that maintaining an ongoing connection to the deceased can facilitate emotional adjustment and personal growth, especially when integrated in a healthy, adaptive manner. 

Forms of Continuing Bonds 

Research distinguishes between different expressions of continuing bonds, some of which may be more beneficial than others: 

• Internalized Bonds: These involve keeping the deceased present in daily life through memories, values, or imagined guidance. For example, a parent may make decisions by considering what their child would have wanted or feel their presence during meaningful moments. This form of continuing bond is often associated with resilience and positive adaptation. 

• Externalized Bonds: These can include sensory experiences like perceiving a child’s voice or presence or engaging in rituals such as visiting a gravesite. While many families find these experiences comforting, research indicates that in some cases, intense externalized bonds—particularly when linked to unresolved grief or distress—can contribute to complicated grief symptoms. 

The Impact of Continuing Bonds on Grief Adjustment 

The way a continuing bond is experienced can influence the grieving process. Some studies highlight that maintaining an internalized connection with a loved one can serve as a source of strength, providing a secure emotional base that fosters adaptation. In contrast, when a continuing bond is accompanied by persistent distress or an inability to engage in daily life, it may signal a need for additional support. 

Key factors that can affect the adaptiveness of continuing bonds include: 

• The nature of the loss: Sudden and traumatic losses, such as those experienced by SUDC families, can complicate the integration of continuing bonds, sometimes leading to heightened distress or difficulty accepting the reality of the loss. 

• Personal and relational factors: Attachment style, coping mechanisms, and cultural or spiritual beliefs all shape how individuals maintain bonds with the deceased. 

• The presence of meaning-making processes: Research suggests that finding ways to honor a loved one’s legacy—whether through advocacy, community engagement, or personal rituals—can contribute to a more adaptive grief experience. 

Embracing a Healthy Continuing Bond 

For SUDC families, integrating a continuing bond in a way that promotes healing rather than prolongs suffering can be a delicate balance. Some ways to nurture a meaningful and adaptive bond include: 

• Creating rituals that provide comfort, such as lighting a candle, writing letters, or celebrating special dates. 

• Engaging in advocacy or awareness efforts in honor of a child’s memory. 

• Talking about the deceased with family and friends to keep their presence alive in shared narratives. 

• Seeking support from grief-informed professionals who understand the nuances of continuing bonds. 

Grief is not about forgetting but about finding ways to carry our loved ones forward with us. By embracing continuing bonds as part of the healing process, SUDC families can honor their child’s memory while also finding pathways toward hope and resilience. 

By: Amanda Brindle, LSW, Family Services Manager