Finding Hope Again: Our Family’s Journey Through Loss and Infertility

By: Kelly Watters, SUDC mom to Finn 

Getting pregnant the first time around happened naturally for my husband and I within a few months of trying. The pregnancy and delivery were uncomplicated, and I gave birth to a beautiful boy – Finn. 18 months later, Finn went to sleep one night and never woke up. We lost our only baby, and we were lost.

It took a while for us to process, stabilize, and even begin to contemplate the thought of trying again. And when we finally found enough hope in our hearts, we were then met with month after month of unsuccessful attempts to get pregnant. It complicated our grief significantly, bringing back all of the negative self-talk that comes with losing a child without an answer. It was hard to even lean on our faith, as we couldn’t fathom why we would continue to struggle after all of the hardship we had been through.

I was referred to a fertility clinic, where I shared Finn’s story with the doctor, nurse practitioner, and nurse involved in my care. All three were incredibly supportive and understanding. They ran the gamut of testing for me and my husband to better understand why we were struggling to get pregnant. It was flustering to hear that they could not find any cause for the secondary infertility. Another “unexplained” slap in the face.

So I began the preparation for an egg retrieval – multiple medications (oral and injections), each with a different set of instructions. While the brain fog of grief was not nearly as intense as the early days, it still lingered with me, so I felt completely flooded with these instructions. I asked my fertility nurse and the pharmacist to speak to me like an elementary school kid when explaining things. They helped me coordinate my thoughts with reminders on my phone and an organizer for the medication and supplies.

The first retrieval was followed immediately by another cycle. My body was exhausted and bloated; my emotions on a rollercoaster from the hormone fluctuations. After each egg retrieval, we had embryos created. They tested each embryo for genetic abnormalities and overall health – tests that probably bring peace of mind to the average couple, but didn’t take all of the worry away for my husband and I.

We were blessed to have healthy embryos from both egg retrievals, and our luck continued with a successful embryo transfer on the first try. I experienced a bleeding episode in the early weeks, which left me absolutely rattled. Given our history, my doctor had me come straight into the clinic to confirm the pregnancy remained intact. Finn’s brother, Nicholas, was born in February.

It was important to find gratitude throughout the process and celebrate tiny wins along the way. We found a lot of hope through interacting with fellow SUDC families during online support groups and at the Family Retreat, who showed us through their examples that there can be joy after loss. It was helpful to hear their experiences of living with grief and gladness together. 

As we navigate this next chapter of our family’s story, I pray that the fire of hope is ignited for other families going through similar journeys. For those families experiencing infertility and feel knocked down by every roadblock in the process: I see you and my heart goes out to you. You’re not alone. I’m holding onto hope for you while also validating how hard and uncertain the journey can be.