Introduction: 

In this deeply personal conversation, Will Carrington, whose daughter Maria who passed away in 2002, speaks with Dr. Daven Doshi, father of Maeve, about life after the sudden loss of a child. Together they reflect on grief, healing, spirituality, and the ways parents continue to honor and carry their children forward.

Q: Thanks for chatting with SUDC, Daven.  Could you please tell us a little about your daughter who passed away?

A:  Maeve turned 3 shortly before she passed away.  Before having Maeve, we were convinced we were a one and done family; we wanted to have one child and that was it.  We were certain of that.  Maeve changed our hearts forever on this.  She was a gentle warm young soul full of smiles and laughter.  Unfortunately, we don’t know the young lady and woman she would have become however we are sure of one thing, she filled us with so much happiness that ultimately melted our one child policy.

Q:  You already had her little brother Declan at the time of Maeve’s death. What went into the decision of you and your wife Tara to subsequently have a third child?

We had already decided when Maeve was alive that we would have a third child.  We often spoke to her about having another little brother or sister.  Because of these conversations with Maeve, it made it a bit easier to proceed with trying for a third child. Our mindset was that a third was always meant to be and not the feeling of trying to replace Maeve or fill the void of her loss.  That being said, having a child after losing a child is extremely difficult and brings up complex emotions.

Q: You and I have talked previously about your decision – after Maeve passed away – to remodel your existing house rather than to move to a new, larger house.  Why was finding a way to stay in your old house important?

We bought a small house before having children and turned our guest bedroom into Maeve’s nursery/room. We put so much positive energy and love into creating this room. It was hers for 3 short years, but we will always see this as Maeve’s room.  We have felt her energy in the room since she passed.  Because of this we could not give up her room or this house.  We have since completed an addition and remodel so this house will be our forever home.

Q: You are a dermatologist and my wife is a psychiatrist.  Do you think there is any special (partially self-imposed) burden placed on physicians who have lost a child?

I think there is a self-imposed burden or guilt I feel being a physician and losing a child.  I have been trained to help and save people, and I could not even save my own child.  That’s a hard pill to swallow.  I am not sure that wound will ever heal.

Q: It’s pretty alien to my own sensibility and so I’m curious about your experience with mediums in contacting or learning about Maeve after her passing.   Has that been helpful to you and, if so, what comfort has it provided?

I would say that I am spiritual but confused and often bothered by organized religion.  I have never thought much about the afterlife or what comes next until Maeve passed away. Losing my child made me a bit obsessive in understanding what comes next. I needed to know that I would be with her again; I felt that invisible connection between our souls and it was so important to know that her soul/consciousness was still there.  Our best glimpse into what comes next is through NDE’s (Near Death Experiences). Having a scientific brain makes it difficult for me to accept however the literature on NDE’s is convincing and I guess I have taken a bit of a leap of faith in accepting the afterlife based on the evidence provided by the study of NDEs.  We met with a medium and a connection was made.  That provided some light and further clarity of her presence.

Q: Do you have any books on mediums or spiritualism that you would recommend to other grieving parents?

Shortly after Maeve passed a colleague recommended reading Laura Lynn Jackson’s Signs and The Light Between Us.  I also read Dr. Bruce Greyson’s After and Dr. Raymond Moody’s Life after Life.  I highly recommend these books.

Q: You’ve set up a foundation in Maeve’s honor that funds trips to Walt Disney World for families that either have a sick child or are recovering from the loss of a child.   This is of course a lovely way to make meaning and beauty out of your loss, but I’m curious how you’d respond to my own view that these efforts to commemorate and remember, while necessary, are not able to fully salve our wounds.

We have set up a foundation in Maeve’s name.  It has taken some time to build and get off the ground however in the coming years, I hope and expect it to be a success.  We plan to send families to one of Maeve’s favorite places – Walt Disney World.  Children experiencing chronic long-term medical treatment or terminal illness will be able to enjoy a week at Disney with their families.  We also plan to send families with siblings who have lost a sibling.  This allows us to honor our daughter.  Does it ease our wounds?  Not really.  But a Rabbi who lost a child said it best “You have inherited from your child all of the years they never got to live.  Those years are a precious legacy from them to you.  Live their years along with your own.  Feel their presence as you do so.”