Our Baby’s Close By: Remembering Lana

By: Michelle Lowe, mother to Lana

Will: Please tell us about your family, Michelle.

Michelle: My husband Kevin and I moved back to my hometown of Waco, Texas so that the grandparents could spend more time with our girls. Kevin is from West Texas, we met in college at University of North Texas in Denton, and then we married in July 2007.  Kevin and I have two girls – Meadow is now six years old and Lana passed away in April 2025 at the age of 20 months.

Lana was named after Clark Kent’s first love in the television series Smallville.  She was a strong baby and very healthy from the first moment I held her.  Every single day she would give us the biggest bear hug, and I am now so thankful that I always took a moment to take in those squeezes. She had a beautiful smile, and she was also the mischievous second child who took everything out of the cabinet before getting caught.  

Lana had mild to moderate hearing loss and worked with specialists to achieve her milestones.  She said “I love you, mama” for the first time on the evening before she died.  I was like, “Did you just say I love you?”! I said it back and gave her a big hug. I squished her cheeks, and I just embraced her koala hugs for a while before it was bedtime.

Will: How has your religious faith changed or deepened since Lana’s death?

Michelle: I still go to the same Baptist church I attended as a kid and the preacher who married us also spoke at Lana’s service. I really feel that my faith, my family, and my friends have kept me alive. Shortly after Lana went to Heaven, I asked Jesus that if he was ready for me to go with him. I did not contemplate taking my own life because I was afraid if I did, I would not be reunited with Lana. A therapist gave me some tools to get through those dark moments and, one day, I finally got an answer from God that Meadow and Kevin still needed me. 

Will: Has your faith calmed the self-reproachful voice that all SUDC parents hear to one extent or another?

Michelle: I bluntly asked Lana’s pediatrician to give it to me straight. “Did I do something wrong?” She said, “No.” “Could I have prevented this?” She said, “No.”  I am trying so hard to trust God that everything – the final report, her pediatrician, scripture, and even my dreams – are signals that I had no control and that Lana was going to Heaven before I was ready. 

Will: Are there other songs or books – outside of scripture – that have guided your religious path?

Michelle: A sweet friend directed me to “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry and I felt Lana talking to me in the first verse. I wanted her here so much longer, but it wasn’t our time; it was Lana and God’s time. John Burke’s Imagine Heaven really gives me peace of mind that Lana is being loved like no earthly love can even compare to. 

Will: What are some similarities and differences between how you and Kevin have responded?

Michelle: I recently went through the anger phase. I wasn’t mad at Lana, God, or my family, just mad that she wasn’t with us. Kevin also gets emotional when we say goodnight to her in her room.  Kevin and I cry together, especially during holidays.

Kevin was so sad when he saw Lana in the coffin, but he felt that completion when Lana was laid to rest. Me? I could have put up a cot next to her grave and stayed there forever. I could have stayed the night at the funeral home during the viewing. I was so happy to be near her again. 

I listen so hard at church to make sure I don’t miss Him speaking to me. I wish Kevin would go with me more often, but he works so much and I want him to rest, too. Being busy helps Kevin work through his grief and I respect that. Me?  At one point, I thought the grief was making me insane. I still want a “grief retreat” but instead of a padded room, I can make do with a hotel.

Will: How has Meadow been affected by Lana’s passing?

Michelle: Meadow grieves her little sister, too. Her teacher called after Meadow refused to do her schoolwork one day and made a mean comment on another. That was God telling me that Meadow and Kevin still needed me.  Meadow was in play therapy for about 6 months, and I continue to give her that safe space if she ever wants to cry or talk about her baby sister.

Will: How has Lana’s passing affected your work? 

Michelle: I tried getting back into real estate after Lana’s passing, but I was depressed, angry, and just wanted to sleep.  I told a friend, how can I help a client who’s excited to buy or sell a home when I’m not happy. It would be a disservice to that client. 

My husband wanted me to go back to work because he thought my being stuck at home made things worse. We also needed a secondary income again.  So, I began teaching pre-k through 5th grade.  The children look up to us teachers and it brings joy when I can help with lessons or assigned worksheets. Their hugs are so therapeutic.   I am currently a substitute, but I recently signed up for course to receive my alternate certification. I may possibly pursue the SPED certification if time allows. We will see.

Will: Are there people or things in your life that have been especially helpful in your grief? 

Michelle: My parents and stepmom have been so supportive! My dad and his siblings let me have a family plot so our baby girl could be close to her grandparents. I remember crying in my friend Robin’s arms when she hugged me and I was like, “I don’t know why or how this happened.” My best friends cried with me and cared for Meadow while Kevin and I made funeral arrangements.

My church family is amazing! One of them texted her prayer to God for us at just the right time. I grew up with several of these church members and there is a reason God put them in our lives. This last Christmas, they dedicated a Christmas play in Lana’s honor and made a plaque with her picture on it. My preacher offered words of wisdom. Our wonderful neighbors set up a meal train. 

The SUDC Family Support Page on Facebook has also been very helpful. They don’t try to “fix” things. They know the pain and they get it. Kevin recently learned that the 6-year-old son of his work VP had passed from the same viral meningitis that killed Lana. I feel that was another way of Jesus communicating with all of us. The hospital couldn’t save his son, just as there was no way for me to save my baby girl in the middle of the night.

Will: Please tell us about how EMDR therapy has helped you over the past year.

Michelle: EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is an evidence-based psychotherapy that takes trauma from one part of the brain to another. I have gone through two sessions. The first session was about finding my safe space. I use it any time I feel a panic attack coming – like when I have flashbacks of finding Lana. My safe space is at the beach – hearing the ocean waves, walking on the warm sand, feeling the warm sun on my face and even having a cool fruity mocktail and a snack. A second session helped me deal with an upcoming Halloween celebration. I am ready for another EMDR session during the upcoming summer break. 

Will: Where can our readers access the lovely song that you helped make about Lana?

Michelle: Lana’s Song.