This conversation brings together Will Carrington, SUDC father to Maria and Bridget DePoy, SUDC mom to Tommy. Bridget lives in Massachusetts with her husband, Ryan, and their children Virginia, Juliet, and ‘rainbow’ baby Will.

Will: Thanks for taking the time to talk to the SUDC community about your experience, Bridget. As a start, could you introduce us to your son Tommy and the rest of your family?

Bridget: Any opportunity my husband, Ryan, and I have to talk about Tommy is a pleasure, so I appreciate the time. Tommy passed away shortly after his 4th birthday in November of 2024.

He was an amazing kid with a boundless love of life.  He was born during the height of COVID; so, as his mom, I have always been fiercely protective, and he and I had a very strong bond. I used to joke that he was the other man in my life, and my husband would say that he was “such a mama’s boy.” I knew it to be true, and I loved every second of it. 

Tommy enjoyed sports (especially football- just like his dad) and had a wonderful imagination. He had an adventurous spirit and always laughed the most with his two best friends and older sisters: Virginia and Juliet. Virginia is now 10 and Juliet is 8. We have fond memories as a family of 5 including dance parties in our kitchen, trips to Nantucket and Vermont. I often visit these places in my dreams to reflect on how great life truly was when Tommy was with us earthside.

Just recently in January of 2026, we welcomed our 4th child, Will. We talk often to Will about his big brother and feel confident that Will and Tommy are deeply connected even though they will never meet in person. 

Will: Tommy had celiac disease, i.e. a severe gluten allergy. How did he handle that (noting that this seems to have been unrelated to his death)?

Bridget: Tommy’s handling of his celiac diagnosis was an example of his character. He had a high tolerance for discomfort, and it always impressed his medical providers and our family. It was a challenging road for him to get to the diagnosis (uncomfortable GI symptoms, an endoscopy, getting his blood drawn and multiple trips to the hospital) but he never complained. In addition to coping with his uncomfortable symptoms, he also had an ability to be unbothered by his dietary restrictions once diagnosed. Even though he couldn’t enjoy what his peers could, he was grateful to have anything. When given something that seemed unfamiliar to him, he’d maturely look at me and ask, “Is this gluten free for me?” What 3-year-old has that type of self-control??

Will: How has Tommy’s death affected your daughters?

Bridget: Like other children who experience sibling loss, their empathy is comparable to a superpower. They are hyper aware of the emotions of others, especially each other. Being only 19 months apart, they have always been very close, but this experience has increased that tenfold. It’s like they have a secret language. They pick up on each other’s nonverbal cues, know exactly what to say (and maybe more importantly, what not to say!). 

The unexplained part of Tommy’s death has been challenging for them. If I can’t wrap my head around what happened, how can a 10- and 8-year-old? There are times they are scared to go to sleep or worry an illness could result in an unexpected death. One thing I have changed in my parenting is to stop promising them that “everything will be ok.” Because as we now know, our powers as a parent to keep our children alive are limited. So instead, I say “I will do everything in my power to keep you safe.”

Will: How has the addition of Will to your family affected your experience of Tommy’s loss, both for yourself and for your daughters?

Bridget: When I was pregnant with Will, I had no idea how I was going to feel when he arrived. We also didn’t know the gender, so when another boy arrived in our family, it was an overwhelming feeling of…I don’t even know how to describe it. Similar to not having the words to describe losing a child, it’s hard to describe what it is like to welcome another into this world after experiencing child loss. In time, I have felt that in many ways, Will has been a representation of the idea that joy and the pain of grief can co-exist. I look at him and feel incredible joy and love yet pain and yearning that Tommy is not here.

I don’t want to speak for my husband or daughters, but I will say that they have shared similar feelings. For example, Virginia, Juliet and Tommy all shared a room. We have left Tommy’s bed in the same place for 15 months. As Will is getting older, he will need to transition into their room, which means removing Tommy’s bed. They feel split between excitement of having their baby brother join their room, but sadness that something that has symbolized their brother for so long is moving out. Grief is a messy mush of emotions sometimes.

Will: Has anyone in your past life surprised you with how much they’ve helped you since Tommy’s passing?

Bridget: Yes. I am sure the SUDC community can relate to having those awkward conversations with dear family and friends who mean well but cannot quite hold space for the grief and pain we are experiencing. I have found myself in many conversations where I need to pivot the direction because I sense someone else’s discomfort. But I am learning that it is not my job to cater to someone’s discomfort. I lost a son, and I want to talk about him. 

There are those in my life that can handle it and it still surprises me. For example, a friend from high school and early on in my career as a social worker reached out inviting me to coffee shortly after Tommy died. From that moment on, she has been a gift. From weekly walks (sometimes to the cemetery where I lay down next to Tommy’s burial site and sob), yoga classes, late night text exchanges, she has allowed me to be my full self. No filter needed. Real and raw conversations. And she always speaks Tommy’s name. She helps me keep him present. And for that reason, I am very grateful to her. 

Will: Please tell us about your work as a clinical social worker and how Tommy’s passing might affect your work going forward.

Bridget: As you note, I have been a clinical social worker serving children and families for the last 15 years. I have visited and treated families in homes, juvenile justice facilities and most recently in schools. I have treated children and families who are coping with mental illness and have been exposed to trauma, abuse and neglect. After losing Tommy in such a tragic and unexpected manner, I found myself questioning whether I had the tools necessary to get my family through this traumatic event. Yes, on paper I have the credentials to do so, but it was like I was on a sinking ship offshore. I could logically see land, but I had no idea how to find my oars and get myself there. 

In time, I got us the support needed but I still find myself thinking “I should know this stuff.” I guess it shows nothing can prepare you for this.

And in terms of how this might affect my work going forward, I had the pleasure of meeting a psychologist shortly after losing Tommy and she told me that she was a bereaved mom and I immediately felt at ease. Our eyes met and I just felt seen. So perhaps, in time, I will work to clinically support the grieving community. 

Will: How have religion or spirituality affected your experience of Tommy’s passing?

Bridget: I can’t quite yet comment on my relationship with religion. I think that is on pause at the moment, but I can say that I have become more spiritual. I see them as two separate entities. I believe that Tommy’s spirit was too powerful to be gone forever. So, I feel his energy daily. He sends the girls, Ryan and I (as well as extended family and friends) signs very often. Sure, one might see it as merely coincidental but, for me, it feels larger than that. Our love is too powerful for it to be gone. I believe he lives in nature and in all of us. There is a poem by Andrea Gibson called “Love letter from the Afterlife” and one line that speaks to me and perhaps summarizes my thoughts on spirituality is as follows: “Why did no one tell us that to die is to be reincarnated in those we love while they are still alive? Ask me the altitude of heaven, and I will answer, “How tall are you?”

Will: Can you provide a link to the fund you’ve put together in Tommy’s memory to support youth through sports and healthcare?

Bridget: Sure – The Tommy Fund.